Relax.

This post is for the unbelievably amazing first year teachers at my new school. Y'all, I am barely holding my sh*t together with all uncertainty and the crazy schedule and the fact that no one has an answer because there is no "last year we did this" - I don't know if I would be able to be a new teacher in this situation on top of it. I admire them so much and know that they will get through it.

Because I did. If I can get past my anxiety, stress, and 103405903493 meltdowns, so. can. you.

I have always been a perfectionist when it comes to my expectations of myself and what I do. Even if to everyone else, I am teaching a great lesson, what I am thinking about is how I can make it better or what more I could have done. This has eased some as my teaching career has gotten underway, but it's still there under the surface.

I remember at one point, a few weeks into my first year, when I had a meltdown at 3:30 and decided to screw it and go home, I ended up melting down AGAIN to an administrator because I felt like a slacker for going home. She, in her infinite wisdom and fantasticness, told me the following: "Katie, when are you going to realize that your 'slacking' is most people's 110 percent?"

It put things into perspective for me. Perception is reality, people. And, much in the same way that 13-year-old girls are convinced that everyone notices the GIANT zit on their face when in fact you can't even see it, you are doing a great job and no one noticed that you forgot that one tiny step of the lesson except you. It's not a pimple on the face of your lesson.

One thing I did for myself my first year was create an iPod mix that I called Classroom Zen. I would sit in my car outside of school at 6:45 a.m., listening to "Let It Be" and bawling.

Another song on the mix is "Vienna" by Billy Joel. Whenever I am stressed I listen to it:

Slow down you crazy child

you're so ambitious for a juvenile

but then if you're so smart tell me

why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?

you better cool it off before you burn it out

you've got so much to do

and only so many hours in a day

but you know that when the truth is told

that you can get what you want

or you can just get old

you're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through

when will you realize - Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doin' fine

you can't be everything you wanna be before your time

although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight

Too bad, but it's the life you lead

you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need

Though you can see when you're wrong

you know, you can't always see when you're right

you got your passion, you got your pride

but don't you know that only fools are satisfied

dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true

when will you realize - Vienna waits for you?

Slow down you crazy child

and take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while

it's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two

when will you realize - Vienna waits for you?

(Song on YouTube)

So to you stressed-out teachers, first year and otherwise: relax and remember, all anyone else sees is the 110 percent.

**UPDATE: I reread this post and realized that I forgot the r in 'borderline.' Obviously this is unacceptable and I fixed it. Perfectionism. Case in point.**

One Monthiversary

Hubs just reminded me that it is July 11, and we got married on June 11. Happy one monthiversary to us!

You know, when you get engaged/married, many people that you meet or know try to give you marriage advice. Some of it is good - like many of the talks I've had with my mom and grandmother - and some of it is not - like the drunk middle-aged women yelling "DON'T DO IT!" at me when we went out for my bachelorette party. (Side note: seriously, how rude is that?!?)

But when it comes down to it, no one can really give you advice for your marriage because no one can really know what goes on except the two people in it. In fact, that's true of any relationship. You can really only understand it from the inside out. No two friendships, partnerships, or marriages are exactly the same.

So far, married life with Hubs is great. I'm not a gusher, but I am in awe every day of what a truly good person he is. I will say, though, it doesn't really feel that different now than it did a few months ago. Hubs has all but lived with me for a while, so I guess that makes sense. In fact, I think I saw him a lot more before he started residency, so in some ways I feel LESS married to him than a few months ago.

One difference is that I did, in fact, decide to change my name. I went back and forth about it. I feel extremely attached to my name the way it was - my middle name was my mom's maiden name, so I had both sides of my family in it. Van Horn is uncommon and unique, and everyone under the sun has called me KVH since high school. I actually already know a girl from my sorority whose name is Katie Davis, which added to my apprehensions about having both a common first and last name. With an extra initial in there already, I knew that hyphenating was out, so I was left with the choice of either changing my name or not changing it at all.

In the end, however, I took the plunge and visited the Social Security office. I made a compromise with myself, though; I didn't drop any part of my name. I kept my middle and last names as my whole middle name and made my last name Davis. It's a long mouthful, but I figure I won't have to use it most of the time. And now that I'm writing this, I realize my name is even better now. It includes my past - with both sides of my family still in there - as well as my future. Which, thankfully, is with Hubs. :)